|
[09 May 2005|08:20am] |
I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave
No more broken heart for me
No more telling your lies to me
I'm looking like I got my head on right, so now I see
No more giving you everything
There's no more taking my love from me
I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake
No more thinking about what you do
There's no more of me running back to you
|
|
|
[21 Apr 2005|08:35am] |
it's kind of hard being friends with everyone.
most of my friends fight with each other and never get along..
i hate being in the middle.
just know that i love YOU nd i'll be there for YOU as I would be for the other person.
make sense?
|
|
| i'm still alive, just been busy living. |
[18 Apr 2005|09:05am] |
|
surprisingly a lot has been on my mind lately consisting of TJ, my mom & dad, my brother over in iraq, school.. my friends.
ive really got to think for a while.. I want to please my mom so bad but by doing that i would have to basically shut off all contact with TJ & forget about him which believe me that is the very last thing i want to do but she doesnt want me to have a boyfriend she wants me to live my life without being caught up in some boy, which for me usually means schoolwork goes WAY down. i want to better myself its just that i have so much going on right now i dont know if i'd be able to handle being with him and doing everything i need to do. i'm so worried about collage next year for once im taking all hard classes & i dont want to overload myself..i need some sort of motivation, & im not getting it. i think i might want to talk to my mom about being able to have a boyfriend when i can do my chores, and keep up my grades and promise to not leave out anything she should know about whats going on in my life you know? dont DO the things she doesnt want me doing. im going to stop being so damn rebellious because its getting me NOWHERE. & i realize that about 90% of my friends are going away for collage next year which is also going to make me feel left out there going to have a lot going on and ill just be off to the side. just minding my own. a lot of the kids in my grade dont make me feel too comfortable opening up to them. i dont know what it is.. but im not very good at warming up to people in general.
& then there's daniela i miss her too much. i want to hang out with her again and i feel so bored all the time and when im having a bad day she always brightens me up and shes just the best person ever. we've had so many good times in the time we've known eachother and its like its all gone now, yeah sure i can talk to her online and on the phone but we have our own lives and new friends so its not like we can really relate to eachother too much anymore. because you know.. we just cant. we'll always have our twin thing and i feel that we'll keep touch for a long time.. i just dont know maybe we can go to the same college. be roommates haha. THAT'D be interesting lol but she was the best friend out of all the other best friends ive ever had.
& once more there's TJ. i love him to death and right now hes the best thing i have and i dont want to lose him. yesterday we got into a fight because it was 430 and i hadnt heard from him all day. i called him and hes like "yea im going to erics" wtf? wow, its nice to kno you care about me. whatever. i dont feel like talking about it.
and my brother. He's in Cali now getting ready for iraq and i really didnt think i would miss him just because hes a pain in the ass.. but not having that pain in the ass around gets kind of boring, theres never anything to do in my house anymore no excitement and im always worried that one day we wont hear from him.. and then get a call a few days later saying something fatally tragic happened. & who really wants that. my mom has enough weight on her shoulders right now between me and work, she doesnt need to be worried about my brother too. i dont want to be the weight on her shoulders. i want to make myself better but no matter how hard i try it seems like i just have no willpower. :\
i dont want to give up but i do...
and what is with all this drama? you people wonder why I like to hang out with the guys..i hate girls. i hate how they do things and how they complain about shit. i hate how they become your best friend one week and the next week they act like you're dirt.. hmm.
oh yeahh, btw--Britney Spears is pregnant.lol.
...woo, kay im done ♥ nicole
|
|
|
[06 Apr 2005|06:13pm] |
so kids. i decided to leave livejournal for a while.
see ya around ♥
|
|
|
[10 Mar 2005|09:34am] |
I'm thinking of making a new livejournal name.. any ideas?
Let_Me_Live ?
ahh help!
|
|
|
[09 Mar 2005|10:23am] |
|
things have been going pretty good. a little stressful with all the school work, work itself and babysitting, but i manage.
school's been cool, i guess. i dont have very many friends this year anymore, the majority of them decided it would be a good idea to stab me in the back, so that's pretty cool too.. aha, whatever, I'll survive, who needs "friends" anyway. I strongly dislike the people in this town, you guys aren't even worth my time, I've tried giving you all a chance to prove that you were able to rise above this shit.
I love my job!! my boss has became a bitch ever since her second child but i try not to let it get to me.
and with my love life, who knows? i'm not looking for anyone right now. i have many crushes but none of them who i'd like to date. i'm finished with letting myself get wrapped up in a guy and then get hurt over stupid things. idk, i think i've grown up and realized who i need in my life and who i dont. who i should like and who i shouldnt. make sense? lol
|
|
|
[06 Mar 2005|10:57pm] |
"There are many people who are sincere without being simple: they are ever afraid of being seen for what they are not; they are always musing over their words and thoughts and thinking about what they have done, in fear of having done or said too much. These people are sincere, but they are not simple: they are not at ease with others, and other people are not at ease with them. There is nothing easy about them, nothing free, spontaneous or natural. People who are imperfect, less regular, less masters of themselves, are more lovable. This is how people find them, and it is the same with God."
--François Fénelon
I read this quote and it describes me to a T. I hate that I second-guess and regret almost everything I do or say.
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2005|08:48am] |
friends cut.
i took everyone off my friends list.
comment back to be re added. <3
|
|
|
[04 Mar 2005|09:42am] |
|
i've had such a stressful week so i'm really happy that it's friday. yesterday morning i met my dad for breakfast. i saw matt freedmen with his friend, ah he's so adorable, hehe. then i chilled with kimberly until 1130 and we picked up bryan and went to tech. bryan and i went back to his place and just kind of fooled around. he isnt like any other guy, well, maybe he is. but i don’t think any other guy would mention it being fate that they got together after two years..the other day, corey was over bryan's and something happened and bryan goes " bro's before anything " corey corrected him saying " bro's before ho's " bryan then said that he was right but i wasnt a ho. i dont know if i'm making any sense to any of you but it's hard to explain the way he makes me feel. i dont feel uncomfortable around him, i dont feel ugly, i dont feel like i have to put on a show to make him happy. although sometimes i wish i could just say the right words, and rub his back the right way and give him that look that tells him i need him in my life forever. =/
today was a good day i must say. i felt good about myself and i was less concerned about what people thought and more concerned about what I thought. blah. lol. work was great. for the past two days i've been working in the infant, which who are soo adorable. but i missed my 2's, and today i was with them<33
"Lately you've been questioning
If I still see you the same way
We gonna both physically change
Now don't you know you'll always be
The most beautiful man I know
So let me reassure you darlin that
My feelings are truly unconditional
See I'll love you when you hair turns gray
I'll still want you if you gain a little weight
The way I feel for you will always been the same
Just as long as your love don't change.
I was meant for you and you was meant for me
And I'll make sure that I'll be everything you need
Boy, the way we are is how it's guna be.
Just as long as your love don't change.
|
|
| redid journal & its now going to be public<33 |
[28 Feb 2005|06:07pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Shimmer / Fule |
] |
When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less .. Than butterflies <3
if it takes my whole life, i won't break i won't bend. cause it all seems worth it, worth it in the end. cause i can only tell you what i know that i need you in my life. and when the stars have all gone out you'll still be burnin so bright
A promise that's all I want. Just a promise that you will never forget me. Tell me I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to live knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you.
lalalala ; it says it all (:
Goodbye -
|
|
|
[27 Feb 2005|05:37pm] |
|
This weekwnd has been alright. Just want to say thanks to daniela, talking to you today has ment to much and im glad that you care so much. <3 Love you
_____________________
my dream would be
to hear rocks hit my window
and to look out and see you
standing out there
in the... pouring rain:
tear me open at my seams </3
take my HEART' if you like the beat
take my lungs if its hard to breathe
baby, take EVERYTHING you need
promises mean EVERYTHING
buh after their broken
[sorry] means NOTHING
_________________________
so i dont think i'm going to school this week. i have a rash on my face and it doesn’t look quiet attractive=/
|
|
|
[01 Feb 2005|08:50pm] |
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and f*ck ( your welcome jul) up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)
|
|
| HOLLER* |
[10 Jan 2004|05:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TS -- lean back (remix)* |
] |
Friends Only!
add me first,then if your lucky
i'll add yah back<3*
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
piiiink's journal